My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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