Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
