nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
