Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he laminated a picture of his dick.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize