I think i peed on brittanys purse
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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