I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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