You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
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