i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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