I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
