Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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