i'm signing you up for texting rehab
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
