Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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