Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you win again, gameday.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
