I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
