If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
