If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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