i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
