I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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