I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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