That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
