if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
