Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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