This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
