I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
