never play flip cup with pint glasses
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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