you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
