captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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