shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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