Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize