i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
