I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
