do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
