I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
