You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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