I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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