the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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