dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
