he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
