I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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