so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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