You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Someone shit on the floor
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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