oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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