hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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