i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
