alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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