Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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