nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
