I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
