My girlfriend figured out who you are.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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