Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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