What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
