I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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