I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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