she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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