And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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