I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
