dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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