This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
