i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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