Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
