i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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